what i feel since may 2007

Emptiness is here. I feel it. Who I really am? Am I truly exists? Who is the real raina? Anybody knows?

Too much questions, too much thought, too much feelings, yet too little to believe.

I simply asks my maker, why he makes me, on what purpose… still the same answer as I got millions times before; silence.

Silence is the current answers. Silence is the previous answers. But silence is not the ultimate answers. I know it. I feel it… somehow.

Been hurt, being hurt, will be hurt.

I have been hurt so many times. From the beginning of my memory, I’ve been hurt so bad. Mentally, not physically. I was shocked by those adults… I was frightened to death.

I start to learn, silence is a way out. I zipped my mouth, I closed my eyes, and I made my ears deft. I even freeze my heart, my own feelings that time. I believe no one. Not my friends, not my relatives, not my Mom, not even my own Dad. I start my plan… I’m a non-existence child. No one will worry me.

Everyone can freely talking about anything when I’m around, since I won’t listen to their conversation. Oh yeah, they tests me several times, and they were pleased. And they trust me more… they start to share their stories to me. Aunt A is bad, uncle B is useless, your Mom is shameless creation, your Dad is a weak, worst, and hopeless creature, etc.

Damn! Don’t you all realize that I was only 4-5 years old kid?! Sigh… even my parent gave me to my relatives. I live separated from my parent, as a life insurance. They raised me well, clothes me, educate me, feed me, love me with their type of love… and keep remind me about that. About all their kindness and how grateful I should be.

I start to learn something. Pain only feels hurt if we have feelings… I cut my feelings. And then I learn that there’s a condition called death. How does it feel? Dead… My religion taught me that there is life after dead, an eternal life in heaven. Will I be happier there? Then I pray…

I used to cry a lot. I have this whole up idea, that death is a way out. But, I have no idea how should I die. I won’t commit suicide since God hate such things. While I’m desperate… I start to hits my heart repeatedly. I even hit my head to the wall repeatedly, thinking that that might help me endure the pain.

No love, no cry. No believing, no betrayal. No trust, no deceive. No listen, no lies. No memory, no hurt feeling. Then… as you know, I can survive. Yea, there are times everything seems worse. But I always remember my promise to God… I will never ever commit suicide.

Don’t know why, I could only trust two things in my life. God, and my comics. At least… comics can make me happy. I love its existence. Bring laugh, cry, and other emotions to my life. And God… He’s my invisible nanny, my invisible friend, and my invisible guardian. If I ever experienced love, then He’s the one I love. I don’t know Him too well. I never read bible, just know Him from church and school. But, at least… He’s there, listening my prayer.

I used to ask Him to comfort me. I ask dreams. And He fulfills it. That’s the only entertainment I got. *hugs Him*

And then… I get used to dreams. I start having experience in dreams. Dreams start tells me something. Some soon-to-be-happened things. Sometimes I forgot it, sometimes I remember it as clear as crystal. Some are understandable, some are not. But I love my dream life. Every time I close my eyes, I could go somewhere else, another place, another time, meeting stranger that I known so well in my dreams, talking to them about future…

I was only kids. I didn’t realize what really happened to me. Then I grow up. I was in 6^th class at the moment. I was people’s friends, anyone’s friends. And I start separating my school life and my home life. I become active at school. Talk, play, laugh, angry, fighting… I did all of that at school. But at home, I was as silent as sculpture.

I start talking about my dreams to my classmates. I treat those dreams as my consolation, but my classmates treat those as something deeper. He’s the first one who found out that there are meanings in my dreams. Not all, but some of my dreams. Dreams do tell me about the next tv-series will be played, dreams tells me where will I visit, dreams tells me what will happened to my teacher.

But that’s just the start of nightmares. Besides experiencing usual dreams and those dreams, I start experiencing nightmares. I never saw its form/entity, but I think I know who it is. And when I grow up more, those things start to shows their form sometimes. The good news is: I never experience them in real life. Sometimes I can feel their existence, but I never seen them. Thanks God for that.

But now, something has apart me from God. I think that something is called “silence”. That’s why every time I experience silence, my heart feel hurts. And sometimes, I start crying….

Love you… miss you… lost you…