Monday, 20 August 2007
What should I do? I break my own heart, I disappointed myself. I hate my disabilities, I hate my self, I hate that I’m so weak. Everything seems useless. I’m stuck in the middle of nothing, I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere. I feel that I’m nobody, I’m nothing.
My head is empty now. I can’t feel or think anything. Just emptiness. I run, I hide, I cry… but it won’t solve the problem. I think and think some more, still can’t find a way out that can please all the people. I’m tired, I’m weak, I’m an empty shell.
I pretend to be strong, I pretend that I’m ok. I live my life as usual. I laugh, I breathe, I smile… I do what usually I do. But that’s just a lie. I’m not strong, I’m not ok at all. I’m haunted by nightmares, I’m haunted by this guilty feelings inside my heart. “Don’t quit!” ß I tried not to quit, I still trying, But it becomes harder each day.
Now I lost words. I don’t know what I want to type for more. I can’t lie anymore. I can’t act as I’m ok anymore. Maybe that’s why my family found out that I’m not ok. I become easy to sick, I become more closed and become weirder (maybe that’s what they see). Then, all of a sudden, they call me one by one, they become more gentle, kinder, trying not to push me so hard anymore, trying to comfort me, and not blaming me.
And… that even makes me feel worse. If they’re as inhuman as before, I might find a way out. Not a good one, but it might works. But now, with their new attitude, they bound me with a new tie. It’s like they spread nails around me so that everywhere I step into, my feet will hurt. The point is… they make me confused.
I’m used to see them as not-so-good people, people that I can’t trusted, people full of hatred and lies. But now, with their new attitude, I can’t believe my beliefs anymore. I don’t know which one I should trust. Is it if they’re good people, or if they’re really not-so-good people, people full of hatred and lies.
I hope all of these won’t make me stop. I hope all of these won’t make me go crazy. Coz now, I feel like I’m a total idiot too, being played by life and my family. I hate this condition and I don’t want to quit. Just… I’m still stuck. I’ll see what I can do, hope it will makes me able to get out from this situation, just like I used to do before. Maybe I will succeed, maybe I will fail. But at least, I’ve did or tried to do something.
Lamung Gusti tesih kersa kaliyan kula, kula nyuwun pangapunten lan nyuwun pangestunipun. Pangapunten, lan matur nuwun sanget.
7 comments:
you hang on there gurl.. i understand your difficulties, but i believe that you're not as weak as you think now. don't mind them, you been doing that for so long right?
hmm....
you will be okie soon :)
Jeff: ya, i've been doing this for so long. Just.. i need a light? XD lol
Well, just like i said, i haven't stop yet, i still struggle :)
thanks
zi: thanks. i wrote that just as my journal, so that someday when i feel down again, that post is a proof that i could face worse situation once, so i should be able to face it some more ;)
right ! :)
missed you ... dont know just feel u are not around and hmm wanna talk to you ....
well... there are something more important thing to do ... :D
ganbateh ~~
:) ya, so busy until i can't find few minutes to go online last week.
i hope this week will be better.
ganbarimasu~ ^____^b
sometimes we need to pretend that we r okie to make people around us happy.. even tho its make us hurt so bad.. but for me, i am happy to make ppl around me laugh.. :)
Fighting!
:) okie kuai :)
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